


Dear Jaemin

by joinmymisery



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - To All the Boys I've Loved Before Fusion, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Multi, and jeno/female ooc, but they're not really that important so they're easy to ignore, but yeah theres side yuwin lumark johnten jaeyong and renhyuck, jaemin gets too many crushes and doesnt know what to do about it, there's a bunch of side ships but i didn't tag them because they're not the focus, this is an tatbilb au but like only a lil bit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-21 02:57:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17035246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joinmymisery/pseuds/joinmymisery
Summary: Jaemin has a problem. Well, Jaemin has many problems but his biggest problem, the one he can't seem to get rid of, is the fact that he has never, not once in his life ever, had a crush on someone who wasn't taken. Cursed with the fate of one-sided love for the rest of his life, he decides to write letters to all his crushes to let out all of his feelings. But he doesn't address them because he never wants the person he wrote them about to see them.Cue his younger brother, Jisung, who's tired of his brother moping about crushes not liking him back every other week. What problems could Jisung handing out the letters bring? Obviously one that can only be solved by him pretending to date his ex-best friend.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, hello. 
> 
> i haven't written a fic for public consumption for years so im a bit nervous posting this since im sure my writing style is out of date by now. i never thought i'd be back to writing fic that i post but i had the idea for this fic in my head and it would not leave me alone and just kept growing and growing so i had to write it thus this was born. i'm not really sure how long this will be but i'm guessing like 10 chapters at minimum? maybe less, maybe more the intro to this is longer than i expected it to be so who really knows at this point
> 
> anyway, i hope you all enjoy!! happy reading~

Jaemin has a problem.

Well, technically speaking Jaemin has many problems but his biggest problem is the one he can’t fix, no matter how hard he’s tried. His younger brother, Jisung, is convinced that Jaemin gets himself into these situations on purpose, but why would Jaemin ever want to voluntarily go through the same pain again and again?

You see, Jaemin has had a lot of crushes. Sure, so has everyone else, but Jaemin’s problem, the issue that he’s having such a hard time getting over, is that he has never, not ever in his life, had an actual real-life crush on someone who wasn’t taken.

Every boy, and the two girls he liked for a short period of time when he was younger, he had ever liked had been involved with someone else, rather it be a _situationship_ or a full-fledged relationship.

Technically, there was one exception to this rule. When he was younger he was convinced he was going to marry his older brother’s best friend, Johnny. Johnny hadn’t been in a relationship when Jaemin first started liking him but he’d known Johnny for most of his life so that didn’t count. Plus, even though Johnny wasn’t dating anyone when Jaemin first started crushing on him, he and his other best friend, Ten, had been platonically married for the past decade so Jaemin never let his crush manifest into anything that was overwhelming. If Jaemin stopped to think hard enough about it, he would realize that this was the beginning of his crush problems.

After getting over his childhood crush on Johnny at age 8, Jaemin had fleeting crushes on random people.

There was Eve in 3rd grade. She sat next to him on the bus to the zoo and Jaemin swore he was in love with her and her cotton candy scented perfume. But then once they made it to the zoo, she ditched him for _her_ crush, Aiden, and he got over that quickly. Then there was Kimberly in 5th grade. She had long, shining golden hair and big eyes and sat next to him on the first day of Spanish class. Jaemin spent all day gushing about her to his friends and looking forward to seeing her the next day during support classes. But then he walked in and she had moved her seat to sit next to another blonde-haired girl named Jinny, so that squashed any interest he had in her.

Jaemin developed his first _real_ crush when he was 12 years old. The kind of crush where his palms got sweaty whenever they were near, his heart raced whenever they so much as looked at him, he stumbled over his words whenever he got the courage to speak to them.  It started when he had to start accompanying his oldest brother’s soccer practices. Yuta had gotten his license when he turned 16, so his parents had the brilliant idea of them riding to and from school together since the middle school and the high school were 2 blocks away from each other. After getting out of school, Jaemin would walk over to the high school and sit in an empty classroom with windows that looked out onto the soccer field and work on homework until Yuta was finished.

One day, a couple of weeks into the school year, a tall boy stumbled into the room Jaemin had been reading his history textbook in. He was lanky with annoyingly perfect skin and ice cream colored hair. He had on an expensive looking shirt and expensive shoes to match. Once he noticed Jaemin in the room he had flushed red and flashed Jaemin an embarrassed smile, showing off his clear braces. He gave a small wave that Jaemin returned with a shy smile of his own. The stranger asked in a surprisingly deep voice if it was okay if he sat in here with him and Jaemin just nodded, not trusting his voice to speak. The stranger had then sat in a desk far away from Jaemin and pulled out his own work to start working and the two sat in silence for the next hour.

When Yuta’s practice was coming to an end, Jaemin had long finished his homework and had been playing a cooking game on his phone. The stranger had seemed to have finished as well because he had been watching videos with his headphones in for the past 20 minutes. Jaemin wasn’t trying to stare at the beautiful stranger, he swore he wasn’t, he was just stealing glances every couple of minutes, that’s all. During his thousandth stare of the hour, Jaemin saw the boy had sat up straighter suddenly, a beautiful smile lighting up his face. He immediately started packing up his stuff and stood to leave the room. He made it halfway out the door when he seemed to remember that Jaemin was there. Said boy turned around, gave Jaemin a smile, thanked him for letting him sit in here with him, and then all but ran out of the classroom.

Jaemin let out a wistful sigh, kicking himself for not being able to talk to the boy. He glanced out the window and saw that the field had cleared and checked the time and saw that it was about time to head home. He packed up his stuff and made way towards the entrance of the locker rooms where he would usually meet up with Yuta. Johnny and Taeyong, his brother’s best friends, exited the locker rooms first and stopped to talk to him for a bit, joking around with him in a way that only people who had known him for most of his life could. While this itself wasn’t weird, Yuta would usually be with them when they left so Jaemin wondered where his brother was.

A few moments later, the boy from the classroom exited the locker room with Yuta right behind him, both with shy smiles on their faces and their skin dusted pink. Jaemin looked at them both confusedly, head tilted to the side. Johnny and Taeyong both let out a laugh, Johnny clapping Yuta on the shoulder.

“About damn time,” Johnny had said, Taeyong nodding in agreement. “We thought we’d be waiting for years.”

Yuta rolled his eyes at his friend’s dramatics, “shut up.” He turned to Jaemin, “ready to go, kiddo? Sorry to keep you waiting.”

Jaemin threw a glance at the boy from earlier, his cheeks reddening at the term of endearment. “I’m not a kid,” he huffed out, crossing his arms across his chest in a very childish manner.

His brother and his friends let out a chuckle at that, “of course you aren’t, Nana.” Johnny said, reaching down to rustle Jaemin’s hair and Jaemin reached up to playfully slap his hand away. The five boys started walking towards the parking lot at that point, Jaemin in the front talking to Taeyong and Johnny still, while Yuta and the boy were a few steps behind, taking their time and whispering to each other.

Once they reached Johnny and Yuta’s respective cars, Jaemin said bye to the boys, giving a timid smile to the new boy, and made his way to get into the front seat of Yuta’s car only to be stopped by Johnny.

“Actually, Nana,” his brother started, confusing him. “Would you mind if we take Sicheng home today?”

Jaemin tilted his head in confusion again, _Sicheng?_

“Ah,” the boy spoke for the first time directly to Jaemin, “I’m Sicheng. Sorry I didn’t introduce myself earlier…”

Yuta was quick to jump in, “No, it’s my fault! I should have introduced you too. Jaemin, this is Sicheng, he’s new and just moved her from China with his dad. He’s only a freshman but he’s in our math class because he’s so smart. Sicheng, this is my baby brother, Jaemin.”

Jaemin pouted again, “I’m not a baby, I’m 12. I’m in 7th grade now. Stop treating me like I’m the same age as Jisung.”

Yuta rolled his eyes at that, “Sorry, I’m sorry, my _younger_ brother, Jaemin. Not a baby, he turned 12 and think he’s a grown man now or something.” The four older boys all laughed at this and Jaemin just rolled his eyes and got into the back seat of the car, barely flashing Johnny and Taeyong a wave goodbye.

Yuta and Sicheng got into the car after saying goodbye to their friends and off they went, Yuta talking excitedly to Sicheng the whole way to his house and Sicheng nodding along, not saying much. Jaemin rolled his eyes at his brother, wishing he’d stop talking long enough for Sicheng to get a word in. He was intrigued by the older boy, wondering how someone so beautiful and smart had made friends with his brother and his annoying friends.

Sicheng riding home with them became a regular occurrence after that. After school, Jaemin would enter the classroom to find Sicheng already there with his stuff out and studying. They’d greet each other and sit in silence while they finished their work. Once finished, Sicheng would dish out snacks for them to share and they’d break out their phones to play games until practice would finish. These moments with Sicheng were Jaemin’s favorite part of his day. Even though they barely exchanged words, Sicheng’s presence was calming and he was always nice to Jaemin, helping him with his math homework when he didn’t understand something. Jaemin would attempt to do the same for him, explaining to him what words meant in simpler English.

Whenever Jaemin had to help him with a word, Sicheng would shyly thank him and give him the most gorgeous smile in return. This smile was dangerous, for every time Jaemin saw it, his heart would beat against his chest and he’d have to turn away before he did something stupid like blurt out how beautiful Sicheng was to his face.

Jaemin got used to Sicheng doting on him, both after school in the classroom and on the car rides home where he always tried to include Jaemin in whatever conversation he and Yuta would be having. This went on for months, Jaemin’s slight crush on Sicheng growing more over time. It finally reared its most annoying head over Christmas break. Sicheng had returned to China for the break, and Yuta seemed to take it pretty hard. He spent every second that Sicheng was away sulking, being especially upset because the time difference was so great. Jaemin wasn’t going to lie, not seeing Sicheng for 2 weeks was hard for him too, he’d gotten used to seeing his crush so often.

Sicheng’s absence made Jaemin a bit braver. He convinced himself that the next time he saw Sicheng he’d get over his awkwardness and hold a real life conversation with him, one where he wouldn’t stutter over his words and his brother wasn’t there as a buffer. He even thought about conversation topics and potential answers to questions so it wouldn’t be awkward.

His dream came crashing down when Sicheng finally did return. Yuta had been running around the house all day, hyper from the lack of stimulation with Sicheng on the plane home. When Sicheng finally arrived to the Na household, only having been back on American soil for an hour, Yuta had rushed to the door, grabbing him in his arms and kissing him. The only thing keeping Jaemin from crying right then and there was the scream Jisung had let out.

That was the day Yuta reintroduced Sicheng as his boyfriend and the day Jaemin wrote his first letter.

\-----

Jaemin had read it in a book. The main character had written a letter to every person she ever had a crush on. She’d write it when she had a crush so intense she didn’t know how to handle it. The note would contain all the feelings she wasn’t brave enough to say out loud. Addressing the note, she’d seal it and then place it in a box she hid under her bed. Her feelings would fade with the note having written and she’d move on with her life. That’s what Jaemin wanted to do. He wanted to get rid of his feelings for Sicheng and move on.

In the note, he wrote down every little thing he liked about Sicheng. He talked about his smile, his lisp, his beautiful eyes. He told Sicheng how beautiful he looked with his ice cream hair even though he’s since dyed it a more sensible chocolate brown, he told him how much he appreciated all the help he had given him with his math. He apologized for being awkward around him and begged for forgiveness for liking him while he was dating his older brother. Once he was done, his heart felt lighter. He sealed the letter and wrote Sicheng’s name on the front, placing the letter in a shoebox deep in his closet. With a sigh, Jaemin hid the box and closed the door, his feelings for Sicheng sitting in a box never to be opened.

\---

After the letter to Sicheng, things went back to semi-normal. Jaemin’s heart no longer ached when he saw Sicheng and Yuta together. It also probably had to do with the fact that he started hanging out with more people from his own school so he no longer had to sit and wait for Yuta to get out of practice to return home. Mark, Renjun, Donghyuck, and Jeno quickly became his closest friends. They were all in the same grade, save for Mark who was a grade older, and lived close enough to one another that it was easy to spend basically every waking moment together. They all joined a dance club at their school that ended up taking up most of their time. Jeno and Renjun lived the closest to Jaemin so they usually ended up joining them the bus home, so he barely ever saw Sicheng other than at the occasional glance when he went to Yuta’s soccer games.

Over the course of the two years Jaemin had left in middle school, he had gotten very into his dance group. Even going far enough as joining a team outside of his school with Jeno, who had also taken a liking to dance. Jeno and Jaemin had been the only two who had continued with their dance group. Mark had been the first to leave, instead choosing to quit dance to join track. Renjun and Donghyuck stuck out a bit longer than Mark, but still ended up eventually leaving to join choir.

Even with their main form of connection severed, the 5 boys still were as tight as ever. They’d all make the trek to support Mark in his track meets, cheering him on when he started breaking records with his 100m sprints and helped lead his team to victories during relays. The three of them would go support Renjun and Donghyuck during their choir concerts, being obnoxious whenever the two would have solos. They even went as far as to make posters and fanchants along to one of the songs they were singing during a duet, a pop number that Donghyuck had composed and Renjun had written the lyrics for. They ended up getting kicked out of the auditorium that day and the choir director threatened to ban them from all upcoming performances but seeing the smiles on their friends faces as they fought to stay focused on their song made it all worth it.

\-----

The second crush came during the summer after his 8th grade year.

Having been freshly promoted from middle school, Jaemin, Jeno, Renjun, and Donghyuck felt invincible. They were 14 (15 in Renjun and Jeno’s cases) now. They were past the awkward tween stage and were almost _high school_ students. High School students who could get their license and go places they didn’t need to go. High school students who could hang out by themselves in public and not have to worry about their parents waiting around for them. They could get the BART into the city themselves and go basically anywhere without their parents worrying that they were going to get kidnapped.

At the beginning of the summer, the 5 boys ended up getting separated by the different camps connected to their extracurriculars. Mark, having survived his freshman year of high school and become a very important asset to the track team, had to go to a mandatory track camp in a different state for 3 weeks. Donghyuck and Renjun were still in the same state but journeyed to San Jose for a music camp for 2 weeks. During the time they were away, it gave Jeno and Jaemin the opportunity to become closer.

The two still had dance practices over the summer a couple of times a week but the other times they could be found either in Jaemin’s room playing video games all day, at Jeno’s spending all day in the pool he had in his backyard, or just hanging out in their town’s square, getting ice cream and seeing movies.

The crush he had on Jeno grew gradually; He always knew he was closest to the boy out of his other friends, considering Jeno lived the closest to him. They’d always be the last two of their friends left on the walk home which gave them time to bond. Jaemin always found it funny how flustered Jeno would get whenever Jaemin was extra touchy with him. How awkward he’d get when he told Jeno goodbye with a hug at his front door.

Jaemin didn’t realize his crush had become a crush until halfway into the summer. He and Jeno had just left the mall, ice cream cones melting in their hands. He and Jeno were laughing about something stupid, a topic he can’t even remember now. It was the most cliché thing to ever happen, the sun setting in the background making the dumb golden flecks in Jeno’s eyes sparkle. Jaemin had said something stupid about someone in their dance class and Jeno had just lost it. He let out the most beautiful laugh, eyes disappearing and body vibrating with the force of it. And then and there Jaemin realized that he liked him.

He realized he liked his dumb beautiful laugh. His stupidly gorgeous eyes. His annoyingly perfect hair. His irritating kind quiet aura. And Jaemin realized he was fucked. Like holy shit I haven’t liked anyone this much since Sicheng fucked. And if Jaemin kept unusually quiet the rest of the walk and bus ride home, Jeno never mentioned it. Jeno just decided that maybe his best friend wanted some quiet so he just offered up an ear bud on the bus and played his most calm playlist. And if Jaemin rested his head on Jeno’s shoulder and pretended to fall asleep to avoid having to confront his feelings well, that was just Jaemin’s duty and he could not be held accountable for it.

Every day the rest of that summer following that day was a bit different for Jaemin. While before he never really cared how he looked when he saw Jeno before, now he found himself spending extra time to make sure he looked good whenever he saw him. He made sure his hair was always fully brushed, his clothes weren’t super wrinkly, and always made sure his lips were always moisturized, he even started carrying around chapstick everywhere with him.

Jeno never seemed to notice, he treated Jaemin the same way he always did. The only slight change that came with Jaemin’s revelation was the fact that Jeno didn’t seem to cringe as much whenever Jaemin openly showed him affection.  Jaemin liked to think this was a victory worth celebrating but once he thought about it he realized Jeno just got used to Jaemin’s overflowing affection that he gave to everyone and probably didn’t think that the hugs and cheek kisses and hand holds Jaemin was giving to him were any different from the ones he gave his other friends and brothers.

The one person who did seem to notice Jaemin’s crush was a girl in their shared dance class. Her name was Hana and she was infuriatingly pretty. At the beginning of the summer, their dance instructor had split them up into smaller groups to practice on things in smaller groups. Jaemin was lucky enough to be partnered with Jeno alone since there was an odd number of people in class. Hana ended up joining their class halfway through the summer, right after Jaemin had come to the realization that he liked Jeno and was looking forward to the alone time he’d get to spend with him during dance class.

Hana had long, wavy dark hair and big, beautiful brown eyes. She had sunkissed freckles decorating her nose and cheeks and lips so rosy that Jaemin was sure she applied lip tint 17 times a day. Jeno was immediately smitten with her and invited her to join him and Jaemin’s dance group.  Jaemin hated her.

Now, Jaemin knew his dislike for Hana was very superficial. She had done nothing to Jaemin except impose on his personal alone time with Jeno. But it was fine, he still had the entire way home to be alone with Jeno, as well as the times he spent with Jeno at either of their houses, it was fine, and he could give up the hour and a half of direct attention. It was fine, Jaemin wasn’t a baby who threw fits about this and he would live, _it was fine._

Hana wasn’t the best dancer in the world, and Jaemin didn’t discriminate so he was patient with her and helped her whenever he could. Whenever she fumbled over a step, either he and Jeno would take the time to help her out. But Jaemin started to notice that Hana would start reaching out for Jeno’s help more than his and Jeno, being the saint he was, would be happy to help and just ignore Jaemin. Well, not ignore, that’s dramatic even for Jaemin, but he’d take his complete attention off Jaemin instead of including him and he might as well have been ignoring him.

Hana then started pushing Jaemin out of their group practices, choosing choreographies where she and Jeno were partnered up and Jaemin was either solo or serving as a background dancer to the two of them. Jeno never seemed to notice, just happy to be dancing with Hana and cheering Jaemin on for whatever small part he had in the choreographies. It didn’t help that their dance instructor seemed to take a liking to Jeno and Hana as a pairing and gave them extra duet choreographies to work on while Jaemin got stuck doing group dances with the others in their class or solos that would never make it into their showcase.

At the end of the summer, their dance studio held a showcase. It was nowhere near as big as the showcase that they put on at the end of the year, but it was still a big deal. It served as a soft audition process for anyone who had done the summer program and was hoping to join the dance company as a permanent member for the upcoming year.

Jaemin and Jeno had been planning for it for ages, especially since they could now try out for the high school competing team. They had planned to do a dance that would showcase both of their strengths, a piece they’ve been perfecting for the past 2 years. It started out with Jaemin doing a number to a pop-y hip-hop song, a dance with a lot of high kicks and moves that showed off his flexibility, then Jeno would come out with some flips he’d been working on, flipping into some powerful moves as the song sped up in tempo. Jaemin would then join him on stage again and they’d come together in a hip hop inspired dance that threw in some eccentric tap to give it some flavor. Their dance instructor had helped them choreograph it and had talked about looking forward to it all summer. When he and Jeno practiced that dance and stayed after class once everyone (especially Hana) had left, that was Jaemin favorite part of summer.

That all came crashing when it came time for everyone to sign up for the showcase. Since it was a smaller showcase each member of the club could only sign up for one dance, be it a group, duo, or solo. Jaemin didn’t rush to sign up since everyone in his class knew that he and Jeno were going to sign up for a duo, so the two of them sat near the wall and watched videos on Jeno’s phone while they waited for the line to die down. Once Jaemin made it to the sign-up list, he jotted Jeno and his names on the bottom with a smiley face and exclamation points and then made his way back over to Jeno who, unfortunately, now had company. Hana was hanging off Jeno’s arm, whining to him about something. Jaemin caught the end of their conversation.

“…and I talked to her and she really thinks the choreography we’ve been working on all summer is great and that it would for sure land me a spot on the team during the school year. And I know you and Jaemin have been working on a choreography, but she loves you both already and you both have for sure spots on the team and I really need this Jeno, please. If I don’t land a spot on this team, my parents will make me join another club and I don’t like anything else, Jeno! I know everyone here already and I’m comfortable here and I don’t want to enter high school not knowing anyone or having any friends.”

Uh, what?

“Hana,” Jeno started, “me and Jaemin have been working on this for ages and I can’t just drop out, it wouldn’t be fair to him.”

“But he has solo choreography he could do! I don’t have any solo work that’s ready to showcase! Plus since she already likes your choreography she’ll probably let you do it for something else.” Hana sent Jeno the ugliest pout and puppy eyes Jaemin had ever seen. “Please, Jeno.”

“Hana,” Jeno and Jaemin both started at the same time. Jeno glanced up at Jaemin and Jaemin’s heart broke. He could see it in his eyes, Jeno had already made the decision to help Hana. He glanced back at Hana and noticed she was already looking at him, a slight smirk on her face before she turned back to pout more at Jeno.

“Hana,” Jeno continued. “Let me talk to Jaemin and I’ll let you know, okay? But I really wish you would have brought this up to me before.” Hana pouted some more and nodded, giving Jeno a slight hug that cause his cheeks to darken a smidge. Jaemin rolled his eyes and turned to walk away.

“Jaemin, wait!” Jeno called after him but Jaemin just shook his head and walked towards their teacher, planning to ask her if it was too late for him to change his mind about even participating in the showcase. He knew that if he wanted he could audition privately in front of her and the other instructors on the board and if he wasn’t going to be performing at the showcase with Jeno, he didn’t want to be performing at all.

Jeno finally caught up to him and touched him on the arm, stopping him from reaching their instructor. “Jaemin, please let’s talk about this.”

Jaemin spun around, his face neutral. He wanted to cry but he wouldn’t do it here, not in front of Jeno and their entire dance class. Especially not in front of Hana.

“What’s there to talk about, Jeno? You’ve obviously already made your choice or else you would have rejected her as soon as she brought the idea up. You’re going to say yes so save me the time and let me go.”

“But Jaemin,” Jeno glanced at Hana who was still looking at him, a pitiful look on her face. He glanced the other way and noticed that their entire dance class had started paying attention to them, curious on what the two best friends were fighting about. “Can we talk in the hallway, please?”

Jaemin rolled his eyes again and let out a sigh, shaking his arm so Jeno’s hand would fall off. He really didn’t want to have this conversation but he knew Jeno hated when the attention was on him when he wasn’t dancing. He huffed out an affirmation and made his way out into the hall with Jeno following.

“Jaemin, this isn’t how I wanted to tell you,” Jeno started, running a hand through his hair, a habit Jaemin knows he does when he’s nervous.

“Tell me what?” Jaemin propped his head to the side, hoping the rock in his stomach was because he wasn’t going to be able to perform in the showcase and not because of something else.

“Well…” Jeno trailed off, his eyes fixed on a poster on the wall. “Well, you see…”

“Spit it out, Jeno. You tell me everything, what’s so important that you can’t tell me now?”

Jeno let out a sigh and moved his eyes so he was looking down the hallway now. “Well, me and Hana…” his eyes moved towards the door of their dance studio. “Hana and I have been texting a lot…” Jeno finally moved his eyes towards Jaemin again, his eyes fixated on the logo on Jaemin’s shirt. “We’ve been texting and we’ve even hung out a few times.” Wait, what? When did this happen? Where was Jaemin?

“When you went down to Colorado to visit your grandparents for that week, Hana and I got really close and…” Jeno finally looked him in the eyes. “Jaemin, I really like her.” Now it was Jaemin’s turn to look at anything but Jeno, moving his eyes to look at the ground so Jeno wouldn’t see the heartbreak in them.

“Oh.” Jaemin let out, bringing his bottom lip between his teeth.

“Yeah, and like, obviously you’re my best friend and I’d love to do the choreography we’ve been practicing but Hana’s right,” _No, she’s not._ Jaemin thought bitterly, even though he knew she was. “This isn’t really a big deal for us, we basically already have spots on the team, what with Ten being captain this year and everything and he wouldn’t let the coach hear the end of it if he didn’t let Ten’s two favorites on the team. But Hana is new here and doesn’t know any of the members and the only person on the board who knows her is our instructor and she’s terrified she won’t make it on the team.”

“So she can do a solo! Or work with one of the other groups in our class!” Jaemin argued back, even though he knew Jeno’s decision was already made.

“Jaemin, there’s not enough time for her to learn a group’s choreography and she’s not a confident enough dancer to perform one of her solos. Plus, if she was in a group she wouldn’t stand out, we both know that.”

“If she was a good dancer she could learn a new choreography in the time we have left and stand out.” Jaemin regretted it as soon as he said it. He knew Hana wasn’t the most confident dancer in the world, hell she wasn’t even _bad_ but Jaemin was upset. He was angry that his best friend seemed to care more about some girl he’d known for 2 months more than him. That he was giving up on a plan they’ve had for 2 years just to help some girl. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. I know she’s been working hard, ignore me.”

Jeno sighed again and put his hands in the pockets of his trackpants. “I’m sorry, Jaemin. I really am, but I really think I should help her with this. Plus that solo you have, the one that has that really high kick and the popping? I think that’d be so good at the showcase!”

“I’m not going to do the showcase, Jeno.” Jaemin sighed again, biting the inside of his cheek. _Please don’t ask me why I don’t want to do the showcase anymore even though I was so excited about it 15 minutes ago._

“So you’re going to do a private audition then?” Jaemin nodded and Jeno smiled. “Then it works out! You’ll get a spot on the team and I can help out Hana still!”

“Yeah, sure, sounds great…”

Jeno beamed at him. “Thank you so much, Jaemin! Hana’s going to be so happy, I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you.”

Jaemin forced a small smile in return, “Well, just do well in the showcase and pass the audition and it’ll be payment enough.”

Jeno smiled again, eyes crinkling and pulled Jaemin into a hug. Jaemin silenty gasped, it was rare for Jeno to initiate any physical contact between them, let alone a hug. Jaemin couldn’t remember a time that Jeno ever hugged him first. He was about to squeeze him harder when he remembered the only reason he had even hugged him in the first place was because Jaemin was giving him the oppurtunity to help his crush. Jaemin pulled away quickly before the tears he felt at the back of his eyes made their way to the surface.

“I’m gonna go tell Hana that we can do a duet at the showcase!” Jeno exclaimed, happy energy radiating off him. “I’ll take you out for ice cream after this, okay?”

“It’s fine, Jeno. You and Hana go do something. I’m gonna got find Sicheng and ask if him and Ten can come help me work on my audition piece.” Jaemin pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked the time. Sicheng and Ten’s class should be letting out soon.

Jeno squeezed him on the shoulder again before racing back into the studio.

Jaemin followed him into the room and went up to his instructor, informing her of the new plan. She seemed a little upset that she wasn’t going to be able to see Jeno and Jaemin’s duo performance, saying she’d been hyping it up to her colleagues. Jaemin smiled sadly at her and shrugged, telling her plans change as he glanced at Jeno and Hana who were excitedly running through their piece in the corner. She smiled sympathetically at him and told him that she’d email him the details on how to sign up for the private auditions. Jaemin thanked her and then asked to be excused from class, feigning a headache. She let him go, waving him off and telling him to get home safely.

Jaemin didn’t cry when he left the room. He didn’t cry when Sicheng and Ten found him sitting in the hallway and sat with him until Yuta got there. He didn’t cry when Ten said bye to him when Johnny came to pick him up. He didn’t cry when Yuta pulled up and asked him why he wasn’t going home with Jeno today. He didn’t cry when they picked up pizza for dinner and headed home. He didn’t cry as he watched a movie with his brothers and Sicheng, cuddling with Jisung under a blanket on one couch while Yuta and Sicheng cuddled on another. He didn’t cry through his shower or while he was getting ready for bed.

He picked up his phone when he finally got in bed, having neglected it the entire time he’d been home. He had 10 messages from Jeno, ranging from ‘hey whered u go’ to ‘our instructor told me u left early with a headache, did you leave with sicheng and yuta?’ to ‘im guessing youre at home now resting, please let me know youre okay when u see these’. Jaemin texted back ‘im okay’ and turned off his phone. He knew Jeno would know he wasn’t okay since his message lacked emojis and he didn’t spam in response but he couldn’t bring himself to care at the moment.

This is when Jaemin wrote his second letter. This one was much angrier than the one he wrote for Sicheng. He wrote out all his frustrations with Jeno throwing him to the side for some girl he barely knew. He wrote out how upset he was that Jeno had been keeping his friendship with Hana from him. He wrote about how mad he was that Jeno never noticed how Jaemin felt about him. How the hugs and cheek kisses and hand holds he gave Jeno were different. How he was just so sad that Jeno would never like him back and he would never like anyone as much as he liked Jeno.

He wrote out every feeling he ever felt for Jeno and folded the letter, sealed it, and put it in the box. He was done with liking Jeno and he was going to get over it. He placed the box back in the closet. Jaemin didn’t cry the entire time he was writing the letter but once he closed his closet door, he let his tears fall.

\----

After that, Jaemin stopped going to dance class. Since the summer session was coming to an end, the only thing they were doing in class was practicing for the showcase and since Jaemin wasn’t participating in the showcase he had no need to be there. He whipped up a dance with Sicheng and Ten for his private audition and worked on it all day, every day for a week. He was definitely spending so much time on it so he had a reason to avoid Jeno, but that was his secret and no one could blame him for it.

He, unsurprisingly, passed his audition. The choreography they had come up with showcased all his strengths and the board was impressed that he learned it so quickly. His parents were so proud of him for making it, they planned an impromptu family vacation down to Malibu. They rented a beach house and stayed there for the remaining 2 weeks of summer.

The entire time they were there, Jaemin held one conversation with Jeno.

The two of them were still friendly, talking to each other every couple of days before Jaemin left. They were both busy, Jaemin working on his audition piece and Jeno working with Hana. When Jaemin passed, Jeno sent him a long message congratulating him and saying how after the showcase, they (him, Jeno, their friends, and Hana) should get together and have a pool party at his house to celebrate. Jaemin agreed at the time, hoping that since Donghyuck, Mark, and Renjun would also be there it wouldn’t be as hard seeing Hana and Jeno together.

When Jaemin had texted the group chat that he would be leaving to Southern California for the rest of break, he was met with a bunch of sad emojis from his friends and protests saying how he couldn’t miss the showcase and their pool party. Mark was especially upset because he was planning to bring his new boyfriend, Lucas, to the pool party to meet them all. Jaemin apologized profusely but stated how his whole family was going so he couldn’t get out of it and wished Jeno good luck and told Mark he’d meet Lucas once he got back.

Jeno had sent him a separate private message, expressing his sadness that Jaemin wouldn’t be able to see him perform in the showcase. Jaemin apologized again but promised that he’d watch the video he knows Donghyuck would be recording so to make sure he was performing his best.

One day, while Jaemin and Jisung were walking along the pier eating ice cream, Jaemin got a message from Jeno. It was a simple message. ‘hana didn’t get in.’ Jaemin had gasped, stopping in his tracks causing Jisung to yell at him for almost making him drop his ice cream.

‘im sorry.’ Jaemin had texted back. ‘did u make it?’

Jeno texted back when they had already made it back to the beach house, having settled down on the back porch to watch the sunset while they played a card game with Yuta and their dad.

‘i made it but i don’t know if im gonna accept.’

Jaemin sent back some question marks. The thing Jeno was looking forward to the about high school was to join the competitive dance team.

‘hana’s parents are going to make her join another club and she wants me to join with her.’

Jaemin just sent back and ‘oh’ and turned his phone off for the rest of the night.

\----

After that day, Jeno and Jaemin didn’t really text. When Jaemin got back, they still hung out with their friends but never alone anymore. Jeno spent most of his time with Hana and Jaemin started hanging out with Donghyuck and Renjun more while Mark was busy with his boyfriend and his friends from the track team. Jeno and Hana ended up joining an art club, something that Jeno sucked at so Hana convinced him he should quit and join another club. Jaemin thought that meant he’d come back to the dance team but Jeno ended up joining the basketball team. Turns out, Jeno was _really_ good at basketball and the new team took up a bunch of his time.

Their middle school friend group fell apart naturally. There was no big fight that led to a falling out, just a natural progression of less texts and busier schedules. Jeno made new friends on his basketball team and stopped hanging out with the group completely, spending his time either with his teammates or with Hana and her artsy friends. He still spoke to them in passing, but nothing more than that.

Mark still hung out with them every now and then. But once the school year really started, he was super busy with track and the honor society and student council so his appearances at their hangouts were rare, but he tried to make time for them. Jaemin still hadn’t met his boyfriend, who seemed to be the even busier than Mark with his clubs and activities.

So, Jaemin, Donghyuck, and Renjun were really the only ones who still hung out regularly. They all had the same home room and block schedule so it made it easy to stay friends and go through their freshman year together. They ended up joining the theater club together and Jaemin found a new passion for music and vowed he would become a choreographer for a musical one day.

While Jaemin was sad that Jeno was no longer his best friend, he was so thankful for his other 3 best friends that he rarely even though about him anymore.

\-----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, that's it for now lol
> 
> let me know what you think of it so far? sorry this chapter isn't really dialogue heavy or anything but the background is necessary for the future plot so like yeah lmao
> 
> jaemin has at least 3 more letters he's planning to write, any guess on the recipients of them? whoever guesses correctly gets my entire collection of nct albums (jk)
> 
> i was trying to make jeno a dick but like i couldn't fully commit to it bc that's my sweet son so he's just kinda an oblivious dick vs a real life dick but spoiler alert he'll be redeemed and will become the peter kavinsky esque character we all know and love. hana isn't really based off of anyone in particular, she's just a random girl i created for plot so she's not gugudan hana or anything but if it helps i picture her looking sort of like nancy from momoland but w freckles
> 
> i'm actually like halfway through the 2nd chapter of this and have a full outline of all i want to happen in this fic so updates will probably be frequent because im currently done with school and jobless so i have a bunch of free time
> 
> until next time
> 
> oh also there's a reason i made this based in the bay area for plot reasons but i do not live in the bay area and have only visited so like its not the most accurate thing in the world lmao


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Letters 4 and 5.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!  
> sorry this is so short, i underestimated how busy i'd be this holiday season and haven't really gotten around to writing much but i wanted to post before christmas so i wanted to upload something, even if it's small, hope thats okay!

Jaemin’s third crush came his second semester of his freshman year.

He had been moved up to the sophomore biology class after topping his own biology class during his first semester. He had timidly entered the classroom with his slip from his old biology teacher and given it to the new one. The teacher pointed him towards a table with an empty seat near the middle and told the boy sitting at the table, Lucas, that Jaemin would be his new partner.

Jaemin made his way towards the grinning, sandy haired boy. “Hi, I’m Lucas.” The boy had introduced himself, his large eyes bright and alert.

“Jaemin,” he replied once he was settled into his seat, sending a shy smile the other boy’s way.

Jaemin didn’t think much of else of the boy as the teacher immediately jumped into the coursework for the new semester, barely giving him enough time to take out his notebook and pencil pouch to start his notes.

The class flew by, the material being a bit harder than what he got used to in his freshman class but easy enough that he wasn’t completely lost. But Jaemin still let out a sigh of relief when the teacher finally finished the lecture for the day, giving them all about ten minutes of down time before the bell rang. He was used to the teachers instructing at a much slower pace. He pouted to himself, he’s used to being able to switch different colored pens between different subsections of his work to help keep organized but he wasn’t able to do that today.

“What’s wrong?” Lucas’ deep voice broke him out of his stupor, causing Jaemin to snap his head up.

“Uh, nothing, I’m fine.”

“Don’t worry about the pace of the class,” Lucas reassured him. “Mrs. Perkins always lectures the first day of the week and then she uses the next day for us to go over any questions we have and explain things in deeper detail. Then we use the next two days for lab stuff, and Friday’s are kind of free for all. You’ll get used to her.”

“Ah, that’s a relief,” Jaemin smiled at him. “Thanks Lucas.”

“No problem. Hey, has anyone told you that you have really nice teeth?”

Jaemin blinked in confusion, a light blush tinting his cheeks. “Uh, actually, yeah I get that a lot.” He chuckled awkwardly, his hands fiddling with one of the pens he still had out on the table.

“Of course you do! People come up to me and tell me I’m tall all the time like I haven’t been the same height for the past like 4 years.”

Jaemin and Lucas both laughed at that, exchanging anecdotes of the constant amount of times people have pointed out the obvious to them.

“So, you’re a freshman, right? You must be super smart to be in a higher-level science class.” Lucas conversed.

“I’m not smart, really. I’m just really good at taking notes,” Jaemin started fiddling with his pens again.

“I could tell!” Lucas gestured towards the numerous colors of pens laying on the desk and Jaemin’s notebook that was still open. “Maybe your note taking skills will diffuse towards me, I’m shit at taking them.”

“I can help you!” Jaemin said, a little bit too excitedly. “I mean,” he backtracked. “I’ve helped a lot of my friends take better notes, so I can help you too. You just have to find a style that works for you. The only reason I take good notes is I like the way mine look with the different colors, it makes them more interesting to read.”

“Ah, really? Thanks, dude!” Jaemin internally cringed at the term. Lucas checked the time on his phone and saw that the bell would be ringing any minute now. “The bell’s gonna ring soon, you might wanna start packing up your stuff.”

Jaemin nodded, collecting all his pens and the rest of his stuff, putting them back into his backpack. Lucas shoved his stuff inside his backpack, his three items appearing very minimal next to Jaemin’s numerous ones.

“What class do you have after this?” Lucas asked, swinging his backpack onto his back.

“English Lit, what about you?”

“Physics, one of my favorites.”

“You’re taking two science classes? I didn’t think that was possible.”

Lucas cackled loudly and Jaemin quirked the end of his lips, he didn’t really know what was funny but something about Lucas’ laugh made him feel like he needed to be laughing too.

“I’m actually taking 3, my last class of the day is chemistry. I tested out of all of the math classes so physics is taking my math credit and I’m taking chemistry as one of my electives.”

“You were praising me about being smart but you’re taking three science classes and tested out of all the math ones! I’m barely passing geometry!” Jaemin exclaimed causing Lucas to laugh so loudly that the other students started looking their way. The bell rang causing both boys to jump up.

“Well,” Lucas clapped Jaemin on the shoulder, making his way out the classroom. “See you tomorrow, Jaemin.”

Jaemin waved after him, a smile on his face. It seemed he would be looking forward to Biology every day.

\----

Jaemin’s crush on Lucas didn’t grow as fast as his crush on Sicheng did but it didn’t take even a fraction of the time it took his crush on Jeno to form. While it only took one afternoon for his crush on Sicheng to begin, it took a whole two weeks before Jaemin declared to himself that was going to marry the loud, gangly boy who sat beside him every day.

Lucas was right about the class getting easier to handle, the teacher having followed the exact schedule he recited to Jaemin on the first day. Every day Lucas would have some new exciting thing to talk about, rather it be a dog he saw on his way to school or the new level he beat in his game the night before. The boy was equal parts extremely loud, extremely disorganized, and – surprisingly – extremely smart. Jaemin should have known from the first day Lucas said he was taking three science classes but it sometimes seemed that Lucas knew more about the subject than the teacher did, often explaining concepts to Jaemin before Jaemin even realized he didn’t understand what was happening.

If Jaemin didn’t have a crush on him, he’d probably hate him because he somehow knew everything without even taking extensive notes and seemed to barely study but still got A’s on all the quizzes they’ve had.

When Jaemin finally asked him how he did it, the answer both shocked Jaemin but at the same time didn’t.

“My boyfriend, Mark, is like the most studious person I know,” Lucas had answered. “He makes sure I study all of my subjects at least 2 hours a week and we have all the same classes so we share notes.”

Jaemin had choked on his spit. “Mark?!? You’re _his_ Lucas?”

Lucas had just cackled and clapped once, loudly. “You didn’t realize? Oh man, Markie told me you were oblivious but I thought you knew and that’s why you talked to me. Man, this is gold,” Lucas took out his phone and Jaemin for the first time noticed that his background was a picture of his best friend, cheesing hard and holding up an ice cream cone. He’d find the picture adorable and ask Lucas to send it to him if his heart wasn’t crumbling inside his chest. He’d have to ask later.

That night Jaemin wrote his third letter, shorter than the others. He wrote about Lucas’ big eyes, his loud voice, his obnoxious laughter paired with his loud clapping. He wrote about how nice and helpful Lucas was. How Lucas had started borrowing different colored pens every day so his papers and quizzes always matched Jaemin’s. How he always did the gross part of the lab work so Jaemin wouldn’t have to.

His note to Lucas was the easiest to write. Though he and Lucas would never work out, one of his best friends would get to be with him and that was enough for Jaemin. He placed the note in the box and it was like his feelings had disappeared as soon as he closed his closet door. He picked up his phone and saw he had a message from Mark.

‘lucas told me you never realized that he was dating me. i was wondering why you never told me you had met him.’ Mark sent him attached with a bunch of laughing emojis. ‘well now that you’ve officially met him you can’t hold not being able to meet him over my head anymore.’

Jaemin chuckled at the messages. ‘there are like 15 lucas’ in our school, 5 in your grade alone! how was I supposed to know!’ He attached a few memes he saved from Twitter. ‘not my fault you and your boyfriend have two of the most common names ever.’

‘he has my picture as my background!’

‘thx for reminding me, i need to get him to send me that picture so I can print it out’ Jaemin sent with a grin.

\----

His fourth crush came and went the quickest out of all his crushes.

After realizing who Lucas was, they started hanging out a lot more with Donghyuck and Renjun joining them. At Mark’s last track meet of the season, Taeyong was nice enough to drive the 4 of them down to where it was held near Stanford. His own boyfriend was on one of the teams competing, so he was planning on going anyway.

Once they got there, they sat up camp directly in the middle in front of where the starting lines were with their posters and matching t-shirts Donghyuck and Lucas designed, the backs all saying “Official Mark Lee Hype Squad Member” with numbers under it (Lucas and Donghyuck fought over who got to be the number one member of the hype squad but Lucas won out when he claimed he got to kiss him to obviously he was the highest on the list. Donghyuck countered that he himself had kissed Mark before and it wasn’t anything to brag about but ended up relinquishing the title anyway).

Mark’s event wasn’t until maybe an hour into the meet, so the boys were just wasting time joking around and making fun of Lucas who kept trying to get Mark’s attention who was on the sidelines. Jaemin was laughing along to Lucas’ loud yelling of “Mark Lee!” and “Mark Wong!” and “Marky Mark faster than a shark!” when he noticed a boy sitting on the asphalt slightly to the side.

The boy’s uniform was different than the one from their school, his a striking all white with a leopard emblem branded above where the heart sat compared to their red and blue one. He had his muscular arms resting on his knees as he was looking up towards the sky. He seemed to be preparing for the next event – hurdles. Jaemin was enraptured by the golden-haired boy whose skin seemed to be gleaming in the early March sunlight.

The boy stood when the officials announced they would be starting the event in the next few minutes and Jaemin inwardly gasped at how tall he was. His thigh muscles flexed with every step he took towards his starting block and if Jaemin was in an old black-and-white movie he’d fake faint.

Jaemin paid no attention to what the announcer was staying nor the other people making their way onto the track to begin the event. All he could see was this tall boy who seemed to be searching the crowd for someone before the event started. Jaemin’s breath hitched when the boy stopped looking when his eyes met his own. Jaemin took back what he said earlier about fainting, this is the true moment he would faint. When the boy finally locked eyes with him he smiled the biggest most radiant smile with deep dimples adoring his cheeks. He did a quick wink before turning away and Jaemin had to grip the metal of the bench he was sitting on to keep himself from collapsing.

The event started and the boy took off, going neck and neck with someone from Jaemin’s own school. Every ounce of school spirit Jaemin possessed drained from his body as he started hoping and praying that the boy would win; he just hoped that he didn’t do any of the same events as Mark because he would for sure root for his best friend to get second place.

The boy easily jumped over every hurdle, not even seeming to break a sweat. He was running so fast it seemed like he was gliding over the track. The event was over very quickly with the boy coming in first because the runner from his school had stumbled and lost a second of time. Jaemin cheered along with the rest of his group.

Wait, why was the rest of his group cheering when the boy wasn’t even from their school? Jaemin glanced around at his friends cheering and smiling but just shrugged and diverted his attention back to the track where the last runners had just made it across the finish line. The boy that claimed Jaemin’s attention had been drinking out of his water bottle when Jaemin had decided to look away to give himself a breather, the sweat dripping down the side of his face was not good for his heart.

Next to him, Taeyong was waving at someone on the track excitedly, a wide smile stretched across his face. Jaemin turned back to see his boy waving back at his area and he raised his eyebrows. The announcer had just come on.

“What a race! Coming in at 56.52 seconds for the 400m Hurdles is Deacon Smith in 3rd place! Beating him out by less than half a second is Andrew Wyatt with 56.05 seconds! Our first place winner today is none other than Jaehyun Jung coming in almost a full second before at 55.14 seconds! Congratulations to all our runners today!”

Jaehyun Jung? That name sounded familiar. He’s sure he’s heard that name multiple times in passing before.

“…my boyfriend and your boyfriend are going to take over the track world this season, Taeyong.” He caught the end of Lucas saying loudly. “These other losers aren’t gonna know what hit them.”

Taeyong had a smitten smile on his face, “Jae was really worried about this race for some reason, he said his time had slowed down from last season but he still won so I hope he stops beating himself up about it.”

Oh, shit. That’s where he knew the name from.

The boy – Jaehyun, his brain supplied – made his way over to the area where they were seat and Taeyong walked down to the railing to greet him with a peck and a smile. Jaehyun’s face blossomed into a happy expression, his dimples on full display and his eyes disappearing under the weight of it. Jaemin expected his heart to feel heavy like it always did when he found out his crushes were taken but all he felt this time was a slight pain, something akin to banging your elbow on the table on accident and hitting your funny bone. It hurt for a minute and then faded just as quickly.

\----

Jaemin’s note to Jaehyun was the shortest of them all, barely taking up half a page. He couldn’t write much since all he knew about him was what he saw of him running on the track. This letter was also the most superficial he had ever written since all he really knew about Jaehyun was that he had a beautiful smile and beautiful eyes and beautiful arms and nice thighs. And the dimples, he couldn’t forget the dimples. When he finished this letter and locked it away in his closet, the weight the lifted off his heart wasn’t heavy and wasn’t significant. The letter took away every single atom of like he had for Jaehyun and no longer had anything to move on from.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so letters 3 and 4 are done and this is also the end of all the background stuff so next chapter we'll be getting into the actual story! i think it may be slightly obvious who letter 5 is about but who knows it might come as a shock lol i'm going to try to get the next chapter up before the year is out but i'm not sure how busy the weird week between christmas and new year will be so no promises but it'll def be out by the first week of the year 
> 
> but just in case, happy new year! thanks so much for reading and comments are appreciated but i know how hard it is to think of things to write so no worries on that front


End file.
